To say that I have been reckless would be a bit of an understatement.
The revelations of the past few months — even of the past month — have inspired an elaborate wildness in me that the witnesses of my life are not quite accustomed to. You’re only young once, being the worried wisdom I’ve hung my hat on. Once, if you’re lucky.
Wild how? That I’ll leave to your imagination, reader. This has long become too public a forum for intimate confessions of that kind. I will say my diet has devolved into a grease-slicked jumble of delivered pizza, McMuffins and lots and lots of eggs on toast. I measure the togetherness of my life by my culinary output. And this salmon was the last real meal I made, more than a month ago.
And I’m kind of ok with it. I know I’m not supposed to be. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that food is who I am, well… I’d be like five dollars richer.
It’s just that certain recent life-happenings have rendered the finer points of that hunger, for me, kind of relentlessly threadbare and empty. Food is who I was, maybe. But I suspect I was more.
(Of course the photographs will speak a different story. Real love never fades, only loses its urgency.)
Life hit me in the head with a brick this year. I have been disabused of some foundational certainties—namely, that life, livelihood and happiness are somehow guaranteed to the ones I love, and that I am owed my share of these riches.
The truth? Irreducible. It’s in the moments.
So what do you do? Only what you can. You swallow the medicine. You nurse the wildness in your heart — neglect to sleep, show up to work in yesterday’s clothes, loosen up and let it in. You curse the sun and make promises to the moon.
Friday night (or was it morning?) I found myself in an endless dark room, an Eyes Wide Shut tableau of men in bird-masks and women in black wings and hammering drums that robbed me of all thought. Occasional strobes of light showed only flashes of a recognized face and my ankles were dizzy and weak but I couldn’t stop dancing.
Then in the morning something happened. I woke up soberer than ever before and, wide awake, started to find my way.